The blog post that I couldn’t bring myself to post...

On October 1, 2019, we announced on Facebook and Instagram that we were becoming a family of 3. We were so excited. Within 30 days we were set to go get our girl. Then, s*%t happened!

I typed up a blog post on November 1st. I couldn't bring myself to post it. Reading it now, part of me goes back to that time when I was helpless for 60 days. We didn't know IF she was coming home.

Just like all Disney stories, obviously there is a ‘Happily Ever After’ ending. She is here for no other reason than God overpowered the Devil one day. That simple.

Not posting my thoughts that November day aren't being true to me. It's part of my story and our family story. The trials of adoption have made me a stronger person. I'm unstoppable at this point. My new mantra on anything in life is, "Try me. I'll do it just because you told me I couldn't."

These are my thoughts from that day. The emotions and anger got worse as that month progressed but this post right here was me...struggling to hold on...to fight another day...to complete our family.

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It's November 1st. I've been secretly coming home from work each day crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. If one more person asks me "How many more days til China?" I'm going to lose it!

We are in process for our second adoption. I say “ARE” because, at this point, we are at a standstill. We have no clue why. We may never know why. She may be handed over to us one day. She may never be handed over to us. Maybe she will be given another family. Maybe she will not. As of now, she sits in another country in an orphanage. She's waiting for her forever to begin and we sit here with tear filled eyes and broken hearts longing to bring her home.

Thank God for my parents. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't be able to survive this dark time. They are so faithful she will come home "one day". Faithful...not hopeful...faithful. Her middle name will be Faith. It's the only thing we have to cling to right now.

When I hear Kyli pray, "Dear God, please let my sister come home soon. Mommy is so sad that we can't go get her and I really want to be a big sister!” IT BREAKS MY HEART!!! No one understands how hard it is to prepare your adopted child what she's going to experience over in China. I’ve prepared her for months on how our family will change. Now, we are all pumped up and ready to go only to find out that IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN.

Right now its 11:36pm and she's sleeping in my bed. She is sleeping in here because I need her here. I need her to help me keep the faith. She is proof that the impossible is possible. She is my daughter. She is my childhood dream come true. Sleeping right here. Peacefully next to me as I type.

I’m a Christian and believe God chose her for me. He chose my path to be long and hard to get her. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t ask “Why?” a ton during her adoption process. As fate would have it, I’m sitting here asking “Why?” again during her sister’s process.

At times, I am angry with God. Why is my road so hard compared to others? I think my journey is difficult to teach me hope, faith, grace and gratitude. In the end, my road led to the most perfect child at the end of the dark tunnel waiting for me. Kyli is my light. She is my soul. She is my purpose for existing.

She has overcome so much in our four short years together. I am often stopped dead in my tracks when I realize all that she will become. She has her own dreams with limitless possibilities and I will encourage her to chase them all and believe in them just like my parents supported me in mine.

Yet, part of me sits here wondering if I'll ever know what our potential second daughter will become. Will I get to see it? Does she know we are over here fighting for her? Does she think WE are her family only to be told later we aren't? I can't. I just can't!

My Dad made me cry today. We had a heart-to-heart because this whole process is effecting us immensely. He told me it‘s breaking his heart watching me cry every day over this. He told me that if she doesn't come home, we will ALL wonder every July (her birthday) and Christmas where she is and what she's doing. I wept when he said it. He got choked up too. But, he's right. If it doesn't happen, we will never forget her. Every July and Christmas will be a reminder forever.

I made a decision tonight that if we don't get her, I am done. I don't want another referral. I want this child. My daughter with the chubbiest cheeks and ready smile. I'll fight for her until the end but right now, I'm heartbroken.

I hope it all works out and one day we find out the reason why this one person is refusing to give us a date. I hope I meet that person. I'll stare them dead in the eyes. No one knows the strength of me as a Mom. No one but Kyli. And one day, hopefully her sister

Right now, this Moana Mom needs your prayers and positive thoughts. We need a miracle.